I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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