My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
