I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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