Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
