Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
