the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
