Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
