You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
