I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
