The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
