You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
