its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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