well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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