Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
