guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
