Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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