Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
