Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
