if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
