drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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