Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
50% drunk capacity currently
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
