What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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