Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
As shirtless as possible
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
