Don't make out with my wife yet
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
