The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
