a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Rumble strips road head = magical
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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