He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
