Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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