he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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