I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
