hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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