1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
someone get that fucking seahorse.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
