How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
