I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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