Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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