Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
