I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
