she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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