eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm just crazy horny about you
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
