I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
