mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
