I just saw a hot homeless man
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
