there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
