Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
