Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My pussy is not your playground.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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