Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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