If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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