Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
