honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
