you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
